HITS MANGLES DA NEWZ

DOTCOMANIA: More popular than Regis, with an even shorter shelf-life, the greatest revenue resource of this millisecond is [drumroll, please] the few remaining words of the English language that haven't been snapped up for domain names! Network Solutions has already registered 9 million names and Pasadena-based Idealab just set the bar higher than Dikembe Mutombo's armpit by paying the South Pacific nation of Tuvalu 50 mil for the rights to use web addresses ending in .tv, the country code assigned to Tuvalo! Not to be outdone, noted venture capitalist Munn E. Toburn bought the rights to the period in the middle of every dot.com, outbidding both Camille Paglia and Germaine Greer in the process. PMS.com, anyone?

SMELLS EVEN WORSE THAN TORY SPIRIT: British Prime Minister Tony Blair is taking paternity leave when his 45-year-old wife gives birth to their fourth child next month. After being warned that caring for an infant might be more challenging than running the country, the PM confided that it's not all that different from dealing with members of the House of Lords: "You hold your nose, lift them up by the ankles and wipe. Oh yeah, and serve them tea and scones at four."

CZECH IT OUT: After Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras engineered a thrilling come-from-behind victory in Davis Cup for the U.S.A. against the Czech Republic, vanquished tennis players Jiri Novak and Slava Dosedel were furious. "It's not so much that we lost," Dosedel said, "it's those stupid American puns in the newspapers. 'It's Czech out time!' 'Bounced Czechs!' 'U.S. writes off those Czechs!' What's the matter with these people! We finally got rid of Slovakia and now we have to deal with this?! Can't anyone buy us a few vowels and be done with it?"