ALICIA IN WONDERLAND

Another week, another #1 for Alicia Keys. Down on your knees, industry weasels. This artist is here to stay.

If you haven’t gotten it yet…well, then, you’re qualified to be President of the United States.

"I’ve been doing this for 32 years, and all you needed to do was watch Alicia Keys on ‘Oprah’ to know that she’s the real thing," said Jerry Kamiler of Trans World Entertainment, who proceeded to interrupt our viewing of a website featuring 16 midgets and a small-hooved farm animal—nyuk-nyuk-nyuk. "We’re witnessing the launch of a multimedia superstar."

After slipping to #2 last week, J Records’ new diva regained the album chart throne in commanding style, increasing 30k-plus over last week as she pulled away from Bad Boy/Arista’s P. Diddy & the Bad Boy Family, which nonetheless posted a very solid #2 debut, with 163k in sales.

"We were very happy with P. Diddy, which outsold our expectations" said Kamiler, who, being the historian he is, also commented on the glory days of Watergate and G. Gordon Liddy. "I think that everyone should be satisfied with his performance."

Rounding out the Top Five is Shady/Interscope’s D12 at #3, Flip/Elektra’s Staind at #4 and Columbia’s Destiny’s Child at #5.

Island/Def Jam’s Melissa Etheridge scored the week’s second highest debut, as "Skin" bowed at #7.

Next week’s chart is all about debuts from Aaliyah, Kurupt, Foxy Brown and international sensation, U.K. newcomer Craig David.

"It could be a great day," said Kamiler, obviously referring to Wednesday’s first-day sales and Robert Downey Jr. avoiding jail time.