Ivana: 24 years

NO ESCAPE IN SIGHT: 24 years. It's enough years to raise a child from birth to grad school. Or to see a century plant go from pup to flower. Or, like, six more reboots of Spiderman. And that's how long our own Ivana has worked at HITS—or, as she likes to call it, "the career cul-de-sac." We don't quite understand what's kept her here, though we're glad she continues to class up the joint. We're also not sure how she's continued to look so young while the rest of us have turned into haggard, shriveled old shells. Some say she's constantly rejuvenated by the blood of twentysomething guitar players, but we have no way of knowing for sure. In any case, we celebrate her with this photo—in which her overlords at the cesspool salute her personal style—and offer our profound condolences. (4/3p)